Koffee vs. Café

Credits

Carl G. Brooks – Paul Ellis
Erin Lillis – Allison Baxter
Coral Baxter-Ellis – Tal Minear

Written by David S. Dear
Opening music “Coffee” by Cambo
Closing music “Life Illusion” by Ketsa


PAUL

You good? You ready to do this?

ALLISON

Yeah, I think so. I was just frustrated cuz all this is really new to me and I don’t understand technology…

PAUL

That seems weird for someone who’s really into sci-fi…

ALLISON

I know, but Star Wars isn’t real. This stuff in front of me is. It makes me kind of nervous.

PAUL

Here, see if this helps. Just pretend you’re on the… what’s the name of that ship in Star Wars: The New Generation?

ALLISON

It’s the… the Entrepreneur.

CORAL

Mom-

PAUL

Yes, that’s it! So pretend you’re Captain Stewart on the deck of the Entrepreneur- isn’t the actor’s name Patrick Stewart? Seems lazy they gave him the name Captain Stewart.

ALLISON

I know, it does, doesn’t it?

CORAL

Mom, stop messing with him. We’re rolling, so you can start anytime.

ALLISON

Oh I wasn’t… Well, I suppose we ought to get started. Thank you for that helpful tip, Paul. I feel a little more relaxed now.

PAUL

Good. I’m glad. You got our levels, Coral?

CORAL

Yes. I have all the settings from the first round. But go ahead and give me a mic check anyway.

PAUL

Okay. Check one two, toy boat toy boat toy boat-

ALLISON

Paul, you may want to be a bit serious. It will really help her-

PAUL

A, Them. And two, that is a standard mic check.

CORAL

Actually, it’s a vocal warm-up.

PAUL

That’s right. So what better time to warm up than during a mic check?

CORAL

Sure, Dad. Okay Mom… give me something.

ALLISON

Poppy bought Bobby a tater. Poppy bought Bobby a tater. I’ve been working on my explosives. How was that?

CORAL

It’s called pl- you know what, you sound great. Go ahead and get started.

ALLISON

Wanna kick it off?

PAUL

Sure. Hey everybody, I’m Paul-

ALLISON

And I’m Allison-

PAUL

And this is our new podcast, Deconstructive Criticism where we review all the things you do and don’t need in your life.

ALLISON

That’s right, Paul. And you know what everyone needs in their life? A Dewalt cordless power drill-

PAUL

No, no, no. Hold on. We’re not doing the power drill, remember?

ALLISON

I thought we were going to-

PAUL

No. Remember our discussion?

ALLISON

No, I don’t remember our discussion. Personally I think you don’t want to review it because you’re scared of it.

PAUL

Scared of a power drill?

ALLISON

Yes. I’ve never seen you use it.

PAUL

I’ve never had a need to use it. Besides, I haven’t had an opportunity to learn how to use it.

ALLISON

To learn how to use a power drill? You just pull the trigger!

PAUL

If it’s that simple then what’s there to review about it?

ALLISON

Not all power drills are built the same. There’s differences in how much power, that is, how many volts, variable speed versus-

PAUL

You’re doing it. You’re starting to go into a review of it. We’re not doing that today. We agreed.

ALLISON

I’m not going into a review, I’m just saying-

PAUL

Coral?

CORAL

He’s right, Mom. You’re going to do the coffeemakers.

ALLISON

The coffeemakers? Oh, okay… now I remember. Alright, fine.

PAUL

Okay, so let me lead into it. Do you need to take it back, Coral?

ALLISON

Let her keep rolling on it.

CORAL

It’s just rolling, Mom. Not “rolling on it”, just “rolling”.

ALLISON

I can’t seem to keep up with the lingo.

CORAL

It’s fine, Mom. Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. Dad, just keep rolling.

PAUL

That’s right… you can fix it in post. Okay, here we go. So listeners… here’s what happened. Our coffeemaker went kaput and we had to get a new one. I can’t even tie my shoes without having coffee first so we needed to get a replacement right away. I’m not trying to spend twenty dollars on a twenty ounce latte at Starbucks in the meantime. So I went out and bought a coffeemaker. Turns out a certain someone had already bought a replacement without telling me.

ALLISON

So as in standard Paul fashion, that is partially accurate. Our coffeemaker did fail, so we did need a new one desperately. I agree with Paul about not wanting to go to Starbucks in the meantime. See, I consider myself a bit of a coffee connoisseur, so Starbucks really doesn’t work for my palate. And my mornings really don’t start until I have an nice hot cup of Ethiopian Full City roast, black. Not adulterated like some people I know, who makes a cup that is only distinguishable from a Dairy Queen Blizzard due to the lack of Snickers pieces in it.

PAUL

Hazelnut creamer and two spoons of maple syrup does not make it a Blizzard.

ALLISON

Nor does it make it a cup of coffee.

PAUL

It has caffeine, so it’s still coffee. That’s the only reason I drink it, for the caffeine. I need something to disguise the taste.

ALLISON

For that you could just slam a can of Jolt Cola after you get up. That’ll do the trick.

PAUL

Jolt Cola? What is this, 1989?

CORAL

Actually Jolt is still around, just rebranded as an energy drink.

PAUL

Energy drink? Yeech, disgusting.

ALLISON

No comment.

PAUL

So tell them what you ended up buying for your discriminating palette, Allison.

ALLISON

I bought a Chemex Ottomatic. It employs the standard drip method but it evenly saturates the grinds with water that it keeps very close to 200 degrees. Fahrenheit. 93 degrees Celsius for our non-American listeners. It uses a proprietary filter that absorbs the right amount of the oils and allows for even extraction.

PAUL

And you forgot the most impressive part… the price tag!

ALLISON

Well if you want a truly good cup of coffee…

PAUL

Tell them how much, Allison.

ALLISON

It… wasn’t cheap.

PAUL

Tell them how much.

ALLISON

(pause)

Three hundred fifty dollars.

PAUL

Three hundred and fifty dollars! I could have bought seventeen coffeemakers like the one I bought for that much!

ALLISON

Paul, you know I like good coffee.

PAUL

I bet you couldn’t taste the difference between my coffeemaker and yours.

ALLISON

Okay, Paul. Tell them about your Janko coffeemaker. That’s the brand, right? Janko? It’s a Mr. Coffee knockoff, a brand which doesn’t deserved to be knocked off. That’s like taking acting lessons from Andie MacDowell.

PAUL

Hey, I happen to like Andie MacDowell.

ALLISON

Go ahead, tell the listeners about that Janko.

PAUL

Okay. Well, it has a ten cup pot… er, carafe, for the coffee snobs out there. There’s a basket where you put your Folgers-

ALLISON

With flavor crystals, right? Mmm, crystals! Are those from ground up quartz? No, gypsum. It does taste like drywall

CORAL

Mom, Dad got to let you talk about your coffeemaker without interrupting.

ALLISON

Ah. True. Sorry. I just get triggered by the idea of coffee from a can.

PAUL

Thank you, Coral. As I was saying, it has a water reservoir where you pour water in, then you turn it on and let it do its thing. No fuss no muss. And the best part, the warmer automatically shuts off after two hours.

ALLISON

After two hours? By that point you’re just drinking burnt bean slurry.

PAUL

I still challenge you to a taste-off. I guarantee you won’t be able to taste the difference.

ALLISON

Oh, I beg to differ, my friend. My palette’s way too developed. But I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference with all that garbage you dump in it before drinking it.

PAUL

You know what? We need an impartial jury. We’ll have Coral do a blind taste test.

CORAL

No, no. Don’t bring me into it.

PAUL

But you can be impartial. You’d be the perfect judge.

ALLISON

That’s actually a good idea.

CORAL

No it’s not, because I don’t drink coffee.

ALLISON

Since when don’t you drink coffee?

CORAL

Since, like ever? I don’t drink coffee or coke or black tea because they all have caffeine. You know I don’t do any drugs. How do you not know this?

ALLISON

How is caffeine a drug?

CORAL

How is it not?

PAUL

Is this one of those vegan things? I know you’re a vegan…

CORAL

That would apply if it was that civet cat coffee. But no, it’s not a vegan thing.

PAUL

Civet cat coffee?

ALLISON

You don’t wanna know…

PAUL

So is it a religious thing? Are you part of that one religion now, the… what are they called again?

CORAL

No, Dad. I just consider my body a temple. I don’t do drugs, I don’t eat anything sourced from animals, and I don’t eat processed foods.

ALLISON

Then what do you eat? Do you eat anything?

CORAL

I eat… stuff… most of the time.

PAUL

Well clearly Coral’s out as our judge, and we can’t depend on either of us to be impartial about this.

CORAL

Then you know what you have to do.

ALLISON

No, what?

PAUL

What do we have to do?

CORAL

We talked about this. We let the listeners decide.

ALLISON

That doesn’t make sense. How are the listeners going to be able to do a taste test?

PAUL

Don’t be ridiculous, Ally. We did talk about this. We’re going to have the listeners vote on whether or not we should keep the cheap, simple gets-the-job-done Janko, or the high-falutin’ overpriced Chemical Ottoman.

ALLISON

The Chemex Ottomatic.

PAUL

That one. So listeners, which one should we keep? We agree that whichever one you vote for we’ll keep and we’ll get rid of the other one. Agreed, Ally?

ALLISON

(sighs)

Fine. But you know I’d win if we could have them do a taste test.

PAUL

But we can’t so this is what we’ve got to work with. Where do people go to vote? What’s the URL again, Coral?

CORAL

I’ll put it in the outro. Go ahead and sign off.

PAUL

Alrighty then. So for Deconstructive Criticism, I’m Paul-

ALLISON

And I’m Allison.

PAUL

And that’s it for us. Until next time.

ALLISON

(after a couple of beats)

Are we off the air?

PAUL

We’re not on the air- it doesn’t work that way.

ALLISON

If we’re done I really have to use the bathroom.

PAUL

You should remember to go before we start.

ALLISON

(setting down the headphones and leaving)

Duly noted, Paul.

AFTERWORD

CORAL

Hey everyone, Coral here. That was a lot less rough than the first episode. It’s going to take them a minute to get used to this. As for the arguing this is how it always is around here. This was really pretty tame compared to how it can get sometimes… I think you got a sample of that last time. But this is how they operate, each of them buys a coffeemaker without talking to the other. It’s really a prime example of why they have so much trouble all the time. They don’t communicate and when they do, they don’t listen. They just have their points that they just throw at the other person without stopping to hear what they have to say. Anyway, I’m hoping that by you voting on the things they talk about that it will help kind of unify them, maybe bring them together? I’m hoping through this process they’ll help to learn to listen to each other. So if you can help out by going to decritpodcast.com and voting for which one they keep, maybe it will help. Or maybe it will end up in a big blowup, I don’t know. I suppose we’ll see. So anyway, thanks for listening. See you next time.

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