Credits
Carl G. Brooks – Paul Ellis
Erin Lillis – Allison Baxter
Coral Baxter-Ellis – Tal Minear
Written by Shannon Perry
Opening music “Coffee” by Cambo
Closing music “Life Illusion” by Ketsa
CORAL
So, who wants to announce the winner of the vote? or the loser, I guess?
PAUL
Remind me what we’re voting on?
CORAL
Lego Whorehouse or possibly ancient cutting board.
ALLISON
I thought we decided that was a bad idea and we weren’t doing it.
CORAL
And I thought that since we’d said we would, we should. Isn’t the whole point of this exercise to settle disputes?
PAUL
I thought we were going to learn to settle our OWN disputes.
ALLISON
Yeah, not outsource it.
PAUL
Actually, it’s not a bad idea. I wonder if we could outsource all our decisions.
ALLISON
We could outsource adulting! All our adulting will now be done by someone in a developing country who needs the income.
PAUL
I love it. Think about it: our bills would get paid on time. We’d get our car tabs BEFORE the old ones expire.
ALLISON
Christmas presents would be under the tree on or before December 25!
PAUL
And thank-you notes would go out promptly
ALLISON
Or at all
PAUL
Or at all, before the next Christmas!!
ALLISON
Ooooo, what else could we outsource?
CORAL
Parenting! That way, I’d get a consistent experience.
PAUL
What’s that supposed to mean?
CORAL
In the hands of one, actual adult, my curfew wouldn’t change depending on when I actually get home.
ALLISON
What are you talking about?
CORAL
Last year, you grounded me for a MONTH because you said 10 PM, and I came home at 10:20. What you failed to acknowledge was that dad said 10:30.
ALLISON
You played us against each other.
CORAL
Which would not be possible if you agreed on ANYTHING EVER. Or if you just outsourced parenting.
PAUL
Well, this just got not fun any more.
ALLISON
Seriously. Clearly our child outsourced her- their sense of humor.
PAUL
No kidding. OK, Coral, what was the verdict and how quickly can I fling the salmonella special into the trash?
ALLISON
When I destroy the Little Shop of Hos-
PAUL
BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS
ALLISON
Whatever. I’m going to leave a trail of Legos from here to the dump.
CORAL
And the loser is…. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
ALLISON
Whoo!!!
PAUL
Don’t gloat, Allison. It’s very unattractive.
ALLISON
Oh, and “sore loser” is sexy?
PAUL
Speaking of sore, this week, we had a little bit of an emergency that we realized we could parlay into an episode of the show.
ALLISON
That’s right — our crisis is your entertainment!
PAUL
That sounded a little snarky.
ALLISON
I don’t think it did. Let me try again: Our crisis is YOUR entertainment! Better?
PAUL
Now it sounds cheesy AND snarky. It’s not so much the inflection as the words.
ALLISON
Really.
(silence)
Let’s move on. Now.
PAUL
Fine. ANYWAY, this week, the Baxter-Ellis household ran out … of toilet paper.
ALLISON
And this is what qualifies as an “emergency” in the lily-white, middle-class burbs, ladies and gentlemen.
PAUL
Well, it did when you were screaming for — and I quote — “a box of tissue, a roll of paper towel or anything you can find just make it fast,” endquote. I think at one point you even offered to use the neighbor’s cat.
ALLISON
I was making a joke.
PAUL
That was the censored version, ladies and gents.
ALLISON
Yeah, well, had you actually reacted instead of standing outside the bathroom door with the voice recorder, laughing, there probably would have been less cursing. Can we move on?
PAUL
Come on, you are incredibly creative when you’re desperate.
ALLISON
I was good, wasn’t I?
PAUL
“Bring me anything that won’t chafe or talk back” was a personal favorite.
CORAL
I liked “Bring me my master’s thesis since it’s already pretty crappy.” Only you didn’t say crappy.
PAUL
Or the quilting squares from what was going to be your baby blanket.
All laughing together
ALLISON
Yeah, sorry about that, kiddo. I had good intentions, 16 years and 7 months ago.
CORAL
I’m pretty sure I knew even then it wasn’t going to happen.
PAUL
Anyway, we ran out of toilet paper, and while it truly wasn’t an earth-shattering sort of experience, it did fire up a debate in our household.
ALLISON
Namely, recycled versus luxury.
PAUL
Or, alternatively, stuff that works versus stuff that doesn’t or if it does, is breathtakingly expensive.
ALLISON
As you may have gathered, I’m a bit of a greenie. I like the 100% post-consumer, recycled toilet paper. Cutting down trees to … well, you know… it’s just wrong.
PAUL
On the other hand, having to use twice or three times as much to accomplish the same job seems to me to be equally or even more wasteful. Besides, life is hard. Can’t a man have a little comfort, at least for his tushie?
ALLISON AND CORAL
Don’t say tushie.
PAUL
Fine. Bum. Bootie. Hindquarters. Caboose. Heinie. Keister. Derriere….
ALLISON
All right, that’ll do.
PAUL
Money-maker. Adam’s Crapple.
CORAL
Daaaad…..
ALLISON
Deep end. Full moon. Tail of two shi-
PAUL
interrupting
Ooooookaaaay, I think we’re good here.
ALLISON
Awww, I was just getting my second wind. Ha! “Second wind”! Geddit?
PAUL
Annywaaaaay, the debate on the floor is toilet paper. So let’s get started! I favor the good stuff.
ALLISON
Of course, what that is depends on your definition of “good.”
PAUL
OK, in my opinion, the “good” stuff doesn’t break or tear, and you don’t need half the roll to ensure that your hands stay clean while your bits get clean.
ALLISON
Maybe your technique needs work. I’ve never once had that problem.
PAUL
“Technique”? I don’t think there’s a problem with how I wipe my ass, Allison.
ALLISON
Well, clearly there is. If you learn how to manage it, you don’t need half a roll or the stuff that’s so thick you could climb Everest in it.
PAUL
Plus, the recycled stuff is grainy and rough. I don’t like the feel of it.
ALLISON
I will grant you that it has more … texture.
PAUL
It has twigs.
ALLISON
OK, let’s chill the hyperbole for a moment…
PAUL
Says the woman who claims she could summit Everest wrapped in nothing but two-ply.
ALLISON
Oh, it’s not flimsy “two-ply” anymore, these days, that stuff is at least 8 or 10-ply. How many “plys” do you actually need?
PAUL
As many as it takes. This is not something to stint on. I like to get clean. It’s as simple as that. This is about cleanliness. The thicker stuff does a better job.
ALLISON
And now they’re in “mega” rolls. It’s toilet paper, boys, not a weight lifting competition. Your manliness is not brought into question if you prefer the dainty, perfumed, “I want a mattress between my fingers and my bumhole” stuff.
PAUL
Seriously? Now I want the good stuff because women are just better than men?
ALLISON
I didn’t say that.
PAUL
Can I get a ruling from the judge on this one?
CORAL
Again, just the producer. Y’all figure it out between the two of you.
ALLISON
But seriously? Why put “mega” on a package that also has a soft kitten or teddy bear on it? “Strong,” “durable,” “ultra soft,” “ultra strong” — are you going in there with your hand or a backhoe?
PAUL
You should be happy I’m concerned about the spread of e-coli. Doesn’t that make me a good parent? A good citizen?
ALLISON
Alternatively, you could just wash your hands really well.
PAUL
So, since you’re so virtuous, why do you run out of TP in your bathroom at about four times the rate I do?
ALLISON
Ummm… because I’m a woman?
PAUL
Ha!! Gender politics! Make fun of me for being a man, but it’s totally fine to use being a woman as a justification-
ALLISON
Do you wipe when you pee?
PAUL
Huh?
ALLISON
Do. You. Wipe. When. You. Pee?
PAUL
No….
ALLISON
See where I’m going with this?
PAUL
Fine. Maybe you drink too much water?
ALLISON
You’ve got to be kidding.
PAUL
Just throwing it out there.
ALLISON
Well, reel it back in, Einstein. I did my research, and apparently toilet paper is responsible for 15 percent of deforestation globally, most of it in poorer countries. If we repurposed the paper we just throw away, we’d have more than enough toilet paper to keep everyone supplied.
PAUL
We’ll have to bump up sales of hemorrhoid cream, then.
ALLISON
Slightly rougher tushie paper is a small price to pay for lower CO2, lower methane, more clean water, and less paper waste.
CORAL
Or you could install a bidet.
pause, silence
ALLISON
Yeah, well, then we’d have to install a whole new appliance with its own water source-
CORAL
Actually they have adaptable ones that sit inside your toilet bowl.
PAUL
Don’t those need electricity? I don’t think I want to pee on something electrical.
ALLISON
Learned your lesson as a kid on the farm, didn’tcha?
PAUL
We’re not talking about that.
CORAL
The bidets I’m talking about don’t, or if they do, I’m sure they’re safe. 15 million trees, mom. Per year.
ALLISON
For a shot of cold water up the backside…? I dunno, honey…
CORAL
36 billion rolls of toilet paper. And a lot of the bidets have temperature controls. One even warms the seat for you.
PAUL
Where did you get all this … information?
CORAL
Rolling Stone magazine. Look, if you don’t want to try it, just say so. But then don’t pretend this is about trees, Mom. Or hygiene, Dad.
ALLISON
(stung)
Coral!
PAUL
Well,… uh… I guess this week you have three options to choose from, and we’ll try whatever you decide, listeners: plush TP, recycled TP, or bidet. Visit Deconstructive Criticism dot com and cast your vote! Until next time, this has been Paul…
waits for usual sign out from Allison
PAUL
… and Allison and our producer Coral. We’ll see you next time.
CORAL
I guess you want me to take that last bit out, huh?
ALLISON
Do as you like. I really don’t care.
sets down headphones and walks out
PAUL
Try and be a little nicer to your mom, ok, kiddo?
AFTERWORD
CORAL
Hi, everyone. Sorry about that. Sometimes my parents can be so pretentious, it just makes me crazy. And the irony of dad telling me to be nice to mom, when he can be so mean sometimes… Anyway. Here’s the funny bit: they give me a budget for the podcast, and it’s kind of a lot. Way more than I can spend, I mean, how many microphones do they think we need? Anyway, I ordered bidets for both of their bathrooms, and when they head over to grandma’s next weekend, I’m going to install them and steal all the toilet paper. And now they’ll both feel too guilty and stupid to argue, so that’s a win. I know that’s pretty mean and sneaky of me, but I like trees. And sometimes, I really hate my parents. See you next time.
Deconstructive Criticism 