The Beyzally Show

Credits

Erin Lillis – Allison Baxter
Nazli Sarpkaya – Beyza

Written by David S. Dear
Opening music “Coffee” by Cambo
Closing music “Life Illusion” by Ketsa


ALLISON

Hello everyone and welcome to our secret episode of Deconstructive Criticism. This is Allison and I have with me a very special guest. Go ahead and introduce yourself.

BEYZA

Hi everyone, I’m Beyza, she/they.

ALLISON

Wait, when did you start doing that?

BEYZA

Doing what?

(beat)

Oh, the pronouns?

ALLISON

Yeah, I’ve never heard you use them before.

BEYZA

That’s because I don’t need to introduce myself to you.

ALLISON

Well I didn’t know you go by “they”.

BEYZA

I go by “she/they”. It’s just a way of saying I’m okay with being referred to by either “she” or “they”.

ALLISON

Oy. I have to deal with all this with my kid. I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, we’ve known each other forever so you’d think I’d know that. How long have we known each other?

BEYZA

Since junior high.

ALLISON

Yeah, we go way back. We took our driver’s test together, we went to our first concert together…

BEYZA

We wore braces at the same time, we shared our first kiss…

ALLISON

Actually, my first kiss was with Gilbert Samson.

BEYZA

Yeah, but before that, we kissed.

ALLISON

That? Oh, that was just a practice kiss. Remember I told you I was nervous because I figured Gilly was going to kiss me at the game and I didn’t know how to kiss then you said you’d help me practice. So it was a practice kiss.

BEYZA

Yeah… a practice kiss. I guess we’ll go with that.

ALLISON

If it’s any consolation, you were a better kisser than Gilly.

BEYZA

I know. You said kissing him was like kissing a bicycle tire. Hm. Maybe I wasn’t your first practice kiss.

ALLISON

Suffice it to say we’ve been through a lot together. Well, except college. We went to different universities so we missed that shared experience. Imagine my surprise when you came back junior year and told me you were into women.

BEYZA

Imagine mine when you came back and didn’t tell me the same thing.

ALLISON

Why, because of that time when I told you about-

(beat)

You know what? We’re getting waaayyy off topic! We have a show to do! So listeners, we have a special surprise for you! Even though he-who-shall-not-be-named tends to get on my nerves when we record, I’ve actually started to miss doing the show! So I decided to sneak in here with my BFF Beyza and do a little secret episode!

BEYZA

This is gonna be so much fun! I’ve really been looking forward to doing this!

ALLISON

Me too! I’m super excited to have you do the show with me!

BEYZA

It’s about time! I thought you’d never ask.

ALLISON

Well… the reason I hadn’t asked before is because it’s actually Paul’s and my show. It didn’t seem right for me to bring my friends in as guests.

BEYZA

Yet Paul got to have Chuck on.

ALLISON

But I didn’t agree to that. He had invited Chuck without consulting me. I was pretty annoyed with him for doing that. Like I told him, those episodes were supposed to be personal, like an intimate experience. Well without the intimacy.

BEYZA

Except the episode where you talked about the pillows.

ALLISON

We’re not talking about that.

BEYZA

The pillows or the episode?

ALLISON

Both. Or neither.

(beat)

Okay, so the tape’s rolling. Are you ready?

BEYZA

I’m ready! And you use tape to record?

ALLISON

Not actual tape, no. It’s just a throwback expression from back when they used tape. Even though everything’s digital now they still use that term.

BEYZA

Just like they still use tapeworms although weight loss programs are available online now.

ALLISON

(after a beat, ALLISON starts laughing, though laying it on a bit thick)

Oh that’s funny! Tapeworm! Tapeworms are hilarious! You’re so funny, Beyza!

BEYZA

Ohhhhkayyy. Anyway, what are we going to talk about today?

ALLISON

I was about to ask you the same thing.

BEYZA

Wait… you don’t already have something you want to talk about?

ALLISON

No, I figured we’d start by giving you the floor. You are so interesting and worldly and smart, I know people would love to listen to anything you want to talk about.

BEYZA

Well… maybe it would make the most sense to talk about you and Paul and what’s going on with the two of you…

ALLISON

Nope, nope, no. I don’t want to talk about us. Or him. This is supposed to be a fun conversation!

BEYZA

Well, I am curious, as well as our listeners are, I’m sure, as we all want to know what the future of the show looks like.

ALLISON

The future of this show? Well…

BEYZA

Do you and Paul need to get your shit figured out before you start the next season or are you going to try to work it out on the show?

ALLISON

I don’t know. We haven’t-

BEYZA

After all, isn’t that the premise of the show? To get you two to work things out, or is it for the two of you to review stuff, like you tried to do last season?

ALLISON

Tried to? What are you talking about? We did review stuff…

BEYZA

You call that reviewing stuff? Have you listened to the show?

ALLISON

I don’t need to listen to the show. I was there. And we did review stuff, as well as deciding what we should keep versus what we should do away with.

BEYZA

Like your marriage.

ALLISON

Well no, that wasn’t the original intention-

BEYZA

Are you sure? You really need to listen to the show.

Pause

ALLISON

Is this because you don’t like Paul?

BEYZA

Whoa… I never said that. I like Paul… as much as you do.

ALLISON

That’s not true. I… you don’t…

(pause)

What do you think, Beyza? About us?

BEYZA

About us? Well, at one time-

ALLISON

No, I mean me and Paul. And our marriage.

BEYZA

Oh, no no, Ally. I’m not getting into that.

ALLISON

Come on, Beyza! Be honest. What do you think about where things are with us?

BEYZA

Nope. That’s between you two. I’m not getting into the middle of it.

ALLISON

I know you have an opinion on it, though. You’re my best friend. You see how we operate. You can tell if there’s a chance for us to make it work or if it’s a hopeless situation.

BEYZA

But it doesn’t matter what I think because I’m not in it. It matters what you think.

ALLISON

That’s the thing… I don’t know what I think.

BEYZA

And that’s the crux of your problem. You don’t know what you want.

(pause)

What do you want, Allison?

Pause

ALLISON

I want to be appreciated. I want to be acknowledged. I want to know I have something to offer and to be validated.

BEYZA

You have so much to offer! You’re super talented, really smart, you’re creative, you do great work with your hands, you’re passionate. You need to recognize all those things about yourself. The problem is you don’t see just how wonderful you are.

ALLISON

No, the problem is Paul doesn’t see any of that. Why doesn’t he see all the things you see?

BEYZA

He does. I know he shares that with you. I’ve heard him. It just doesn’t seem to mean as much to you when it comes from him.

ALLISON

That’s because he doesn’t really mean it.

BEYZA

Come on, Ally. Why would he make it up?

ALLISON

I don’t know… because he wants something?

BEYZA

Like what?

ALLISON

I don’t know. But he wouldn’t say nice things to me if he didn’t want something. Because he doesn’t see me that way. And it’s weird, because ever since we started doing the show it feels like he’s become more distant.

BEYZA

Do you feel like you’ve been more distant too?

ALLISON

Well of course, if he’s becoming more distant I’m going to be more distant. I’m not going to start being all lovey dovey and hanging all over him when he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Like a koala bear clinging to a telephone pole.

BEYZA

Maybe later I’ll have you explain how that analogy’s supposed to work.

ALLISON

I mean, why should I put forth any effort if he doesn’t? I don’t want to spend all my time and energy trying to make it work if he doesn’t even want to bother.

BEYZA

So there’s your answer.

ALLISON

What, to just throw in the towel? But I don’t want to feel like I didn’t even try to make it work. I just don’t know what to do.

BEYZA

Maybe try to appeal to what interests him or excites him?

ALLISON

I’m not going to play Legos with him. He’s already working on making the Statue of Liberty out of Legos. And he’s trying to give her big boobs. I don’t remember Lady Liberty having big boobs.

BEYZA

Well, you’re on the right track, but it doesn’t have to be Legos. He’s into video games, right?

ALLISON

Yeah he’s really into that Zond Arsenal game that he plays with that Chucker. I hate that game. It’s a total waste of time.

BEYZA

Well what about some cosplay? You could dress up as a Salt Mama? He might get into that.

ALLISON

A Salt Mama?

BEYZA

It’s a thing from the game. I play it, actually. It’s pretty fun.

ALLISON

Well I’m not going to cosplay a Salt Mama, whatever that is, or anything else for that matter.

BEYZA

I’m trying to think of what guys would like. Maybe you could do something with beer?

ALLISON

You’re not very good at this part. No wonder you’re still single.

BEYZA

In my defense, I don’t know what guys are into as far as romance or relationships go.

ALLISON

It sounds like everything you’ve learned about men is from football commercials.

BEYZA

Am I wrong?

Pause

ALLISON

Well, Paul drinks lite beer now, so I suppose not.

BEYZA

See? There you go. Find the things that appeal to him and try to connect with him that way.

ALLISON

So I should cosplay a snack counter girl, then?

BEYZA

What? Oh, oh yeah. That. No. That’s not a good idea.

ALLISON

Well I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this. Beyza, I think our marriage is broken.

BEYZA

You’ll figure it out, hang in there. It will just take time. In the meantime maybe you two need to take a break from doing the podcast.

ALLISON

I don’t know if I’m ready to give up the podcast. I think there’s something of value in it for us, even if we tend to argue-

BEYZA

No, I don’t mean give up the show altogether. I just think maybe the two of you don’t need to do it together. I say keep doing the show, but with a different cohost. That way there’s less animosity and strife and arguing.

ALLISON

A different cohost?

BEYZA

Yeah! Maybe call it “Reconstructive Criticism”. So it would go something like this: “Hey there listeners… this is Reconstructive Criticism with Beyza and Allison! We’ll be discussing great stuff on our show today, like-“

ALLISON

I’m not sure that will work.

BEYZA

Yeah, I get it. I know it doesn’t sound right. It really should be Allison and Beyza…

ALLISON

No, that’s not it-

BEYZA

Or maybe rebrand it altogether, The Ally and Beyza Show!

ALLISON

Beyza-

BEYZA

Or better yet, how about this: Ally and her Bey!

ALLISON

Beyza! Stop! No, I don’t think so. If I give up on doing the show with Paul, I’d feel like I’d be giving up on the marriage.

BEYZA

Oh.

(pause)

Okay, well I totally understand that. But this has been fun, right? I suppose we should wrap this up as I forgot to put my clothes in the dryer. And I have to keep my eye on my stuff at the laundromat. There’s someone there who specifically steals your Lululemon if you don’t keep an eye on it. That stuff’s not cheap!

ALLISON

Well Paul is, so I wouldn’t know.

BEYZA

But hey, it was really fun doing this episode! If you ever need me to sit in or if you decide you need a new cohost, just tap me in and I’m here for it!

ALLISON

Okay, well there you have it, listeners. My best friend Beyza. Thanks for joining me today! It was… well, it was good to have you here.

BEYZA

My pleasure! And listeners, if you want to vote for if I should take Paul’s place as cohost, just go to-

ALLISON

No, we’re not doing that. No, no, no.

AFTERWORD

ALLISON

Isn’t she the best? Well, I think she’s the best. I know you all just met her for the first time, but I hope we can have her back on the show. No, I’m not going to replace her with Paul. Even though it seems awful tempting. It would be nice to not have to hear those dad jokes. Coral… er, Cor… apparently they want us to call them Cor now. I just got used to calling them “they” and now there’s something else to get used to. Teenagers. They don’t know what they want or who they are, do they? Well, actually, Beyza always has known who she is. I wish I had her confidence. I wish I was as confident with who I am as she is. And I’m not going to refer to her as “they”. Pronouns, am I right? Okay, so thanks for listening. Hopefully we’ll be back soon.

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