Credits
Tal Minear – Cor
Erin B. Lillis – Allison
Carl G. Brooks – Paul
Written by David S. Dear
Opening music “Coffee” by Cambo
Closing music “Life Illusion” by Ketsa
INTRO
COR
Hey everyone. Well, it’s been a rough couple of weeks since the wedding, as you heard. The parents were only speaking to each other through me at the start of this season and I had a one-on-one session with each of them last episode to see if I could convince them to at least sit down and talk. Which I was actually able to do, and I’m pretty proud of myself for pulling it off!
So I popped in here real quick to record this intro cuz in a few minutes the parents are coming in here to have a chat with me. I convinced them to continue letting me record their progress throughout the season, so we’ll see how this goes. I’m a bit nervous, I have to admit. Okay. I’m going to pause this until they get here.
RECORDING WITH PARENTS
COR
Okay, we’re rolling. Are you both ready?
ALLISON
Ready. Wow, it’s weird doing this again. It feels like forever since we did an episode together.
PAUL
It was a few weeks ago, Allison.
ALLISON
Well, Paul, you have to admit a few weeks with you feels like an eternity.
PAUL
I agree yet I disagree. I agree that a few weeks with you feels like an eternity. I disagree that a few weeks with me feels like an eternity. It feels more like a refreshing warm summer breeze with a hint of coolness in a meadow, naked as the day I was born.
ALLISON
Seriously?
COR
Okay, I vote for no images or descriptions of either of you naked at any level for any reason. Deal?
ALLISON
Deal. Easy enough for me not to picture him naked.
COR
That goes for you too. No nudity; frontal, backal, or otherwise.
PAUL
It’s not like people can actually see me naked. This is an audio medium. Now after I get in shape-
COR
For the love of countless gods, please stop!
PAUL
Fine.
(beat)
Which incidentally, I will be after shedding the extra fifteen I’m carrying-
COR
DAD!
ALLISON
PAUL!
PAUL
Okay, okay.
COR
Geez, it hasn’t even been five minutes and you’ve already derailed. I would really like you to get to the matter at hand. I’m nervous enough as it is.
ALLISON
Oh, don’t be nervous, Coral-
(Every time ALLISON calls them “Coral” COR immediately corrects her and says “Cor” almost on top of it)
It’s not like we’re going to put you in foster care or sell you to a child labor welding camp.
COR
That’s a relief since that was what I was worried about. My butt joints never hold all that well.
ALLISON
Actually, I could teach you a thing or two if your father would let me invest in a welder.
PAUL
I thought you bought a soldering iron. Same thing.
ALLISON
A soldering iron? That’s what Keebler Elves use for welding.
COR
I feel like you two are stalling. You’re going to give me an ulcer at the tender age of sixteen.
PAUL
Alright, alright. I suppose we should get down to it.
ALLISON
Yeah, I suppose we should. So your father and I talked about it…
COR
I think I’m going to throw up.
ALLISON
Okay, just relax. It’s going to be fine. Tell her, Paul.
PAUL
That’s right, Cor. Everything’s going to be fine.
COR
Oh gods. I knew it. You’re getting a divorce.
PAUL
No, no. We’re not getting a divorce. At least not at this point.
ALLISON
We’re taking things one step at a time.
COR
One step at a time? What does that mean? Are you getting separated? You’re filing for a legal separation, aren’t you?
PAUL
We’re not getting separated.
ALLISON
Well, not officially separated.
PAUL
Not legally. With all the paperwork and the judges and the notaries and what not.
ALLISON
I thought you were a notary? If we did decide to get legally separated, couldn’t you do it?
PAUL
No, I never finished the class. The instructor said something about me not paying attention. Or something like that. I kind of tuned her out after awhile.
ALLISON
Why did you want to become a notary anyway?
PAUL
Honestly? For the power.
COR
You guys are driving me crazy with this! What do you mean by “not officially separated”?
ALLISON
Coral… your father and I are doing a trial separation.
Pause
COR
A… trial separation.
ALLISON
Yes. We’re going to do a separation on a trial basis.
PAUL
That’s right. Your mother and I are going to test out separating before we actually separate.
COR
That… that doesn’t make any sense.
ALLISON
Sure it does. It makes perfect sense. We try it out and see how well it works and if it doesn’t work we don’t get separated.
COR
Nope. Still doesn’t make any sense. Like, how do you know if it works?
Pause
ALLISON
That’s a good question.
PAUL
I suppose we should see what that would look like.
COR
So if it doesn’t work you either stay together or go straight to divorce?
PAUL
Hmm… I don’t know…
ALLISON
We don’t have to know. We’ll know it when we get there.
PAUL
That’s a good point, Ally.
COR
So what are your plans?
ALLISON
What?
COR
What are your plans for this “trial separation”?
ALLISON
What do you mean what are our plans? We’re going to separate on a trial basis! How do you not understand that?
COR
But what does that actually look like in practice? How are you going to do this test separation?
Pause
ALLISON
Well…
PAUL
That’s a good question. We hadn’t planned it out yet.
COR
Well you’re going to want to know how to go about it. Are you going to tape a line down the middle of the house like some stupid sitcom?
PAUL
Oh. Well, there goes my first idea.
COR
Let’s have it. Let’s take this time to plan out your pseudo-separation.
ALLISON
Fine.
PAUL
Okay then.
Pause
COR
Well?
ALLISON
Well… let’s start with the food.
COR
The food? Really?
ALLISON
Yes. If we were really separated we would have to buy our own food, right?
PAUL
Good thinking, Allison. Dibs on the Folgers.
ALLISON
Oh, you can have the Folgers. Don’t worry, I won’t touch your precious can of Folgers you keep in the freezer. Which makes sense as that’s what you do with a dead body.
PAUL
I also claim any and all Pop-Tarts.
ALLISON
Oh no you don’t. Those Pop-Tarts are rightfully mine.
COR
Just so you know, all the Pop-Tarts in this house were bought by me and I’d thank you not to eat my Pop-Tarts.
ALLISON
I thought you were vegan?
COR
Oh, it’s okay, Mom. These are free range Pop-Tarts.
ALLISON
Okay, smart ass. You hear that, Paul? Not your Pop-Tarts.
PAUL
I don’t think I’ve heard the word Pop-Tarts uttered this many times in a conversation since college.
ALLISON
I suppose we can resort to the old put-your-name-on-a-Post-It plan so we know who’s food is whose. Put a Post-It on your Pop-Tarts, Coral, before your father eats them all.
COR
Aside from my Pop-Tarts what’s the point of doing that? You don’t even eat the same foods. Beef for you, Dad, turkey for mom. Mom whole milk, Dad hemp milk. Mayo versus Miracle Whip. Beer versus wine. The list goes on. Name me one food you two agree on.
ALLISON
Lay’s.
PAUL
Lay’s.
COR
The potato chips?
PAUL
Yes. We both like Lay’s. Looks like we’ll be getting separate bags of Lay’s, then. And I’ll know if you’ve dipped into mine, Allison, as I plan on writing my name on the bag in indelible Sharpie and counting each and every one as soon as I open it. So I’ll know if you’ve had the audacity to steal even one of my Lay’s!
ALLISON
Ooh, that’ll show me.
COR
Okay, the food is pretty much taken care of except those damn Lay’s, which you could clearly end up in court over, gods know. So what’s next on your master plan? How about sleeping arrangements?
Pause
ALLISON
Well, isn’t it obvious?
PAUL
It’s quite obvious.
ALLISON
I’m glad we’re agreed on this.
COR
Just to be certain, let’s take this in the direction it’s going to go anyway. Why don’t you go ahead and tell me what it is you agree on?
ALLISON
Simple. Your father stays up late watching stupid 80s movies and invariably ends up falling asleep on the couch covered in Nutter Butter crumbs. He obviously is able to sleep on the couch quite comfortably so the choice is clear.
PAUL
Okay, for one, I gave up the Nutter Butters because a: I am trying to lose a couple of pounds and two: I found something unappetizing in one once, so-
COR
Ooh, what did you find in there?
PAUL
A tiny critter foot. I think it was from a skink.
COR
Eech. I had to ask.
ALLISON
A skink? How do you know it was a skink’s foot?
PAUL
I took a picture with my phone and Googled it. Skink. I’m pretty sure. I stopped eating them there and then as I didn’t want to find the rest of the skink.
ALLISON
Gross. Moving on.
PAUL
Anyway, just because I doze off on the couch doesn’t mean it’s a comfortable place to sleep all night. Nice try, Ally. Besides, you’re the one who sounds like a bear doing lines of coke so you should be the one relegated to sleeping on the couch.
ALLISON
It’s for that reason that I need to sleep in the bed. All my CPAP gear is set up there and I have a place to plug it in, which I won’t if I sleep on the couch. Unless I run an extension cord across the living room which becomes a trip hazard when Coral gets up in the middle of the night for… seaweed snacks or whatever it is they eat.
COR
Hey, not all vegan snacks are dry and boring. That’s why I eat Pop Tarts. Unfrosted.
PAUL
Yawn. The unfrosted ones are the Ang Lee of Pop Tarts where the frosted ones give you that Michael Bay experience.
COR
It doesn’t seem to stop you from eating my Pop Tarts now, does it?
PAUL
That it does not.
ALLISON
Well I’m not sleeping on the couch.
PAUL
And neither am I.
COR
You’ve got a Montana king size bed. You can sleep a couple of sumo wrestlers in that bed without them ever touching. There’s more than enough room for both of you to ice each other out. So you don’t have to share food and you barely have to share a bed. What other brilliant considerations are you making for this separation on training wheels?
Pause
ALLISON
Well, Paul?
Pause
PAUL
Well what?
ALLISON
What else did you have in mind for our separation?
PAUL
I don’t know. Is there something specific you have in mind?
ALLISON
I assumed you did.
PAUL
What exactly do you assume I have in mind, hmm?
ALLISON
Why are you assuming that I’m assuming what you have in mind?
COR
Okay, let’s stop this before this dialog turns into a Christopher Nolan movie. Just say what you mean to say.
Pause
ALLISON
Okay. Dating.
COR
There it is. Genie’s out of the bottle.
ALLISON
Isn’t that what you wanted to talk about? What you want to consider? To entertain, maybe?
PAUL
You’re the one who broached the subject. Maybe it’s you who’s been thinking about getting back out there.
ALLISON
Oh really, Mister I-Need-To-Lose-Fifteen-Pounds! All of a sudden, after I’ve spent the last year trying to get you to go to the gym!
PAUL
And why is that, Allison? Am I too doughy for you? Am I not enough Don Johnson and too much Dom DeLuise?
ALLISON
One: old, and two: dead.
PAUL
Maybe you’re the one who wants to get out there. Why don’t you go ahead and get on Timber and right-stripe a bunch of guys.
COR
Tinder. And swipe right.
ALLISON
Well there’s only one person you want to stripe right on… wait, what did you say it was? Swipe right, right Coral?
COR
Wrong. Cor. Right, swipe right.
ALLISON
Right. And we all know who that is, Paul!
PAUL
Let’s not go there again.
ALLISON
But that’s exactly where you want to go, isn’t it? Galivanting around the world with the exotic, glorious, beautiful Marisol, the one who got away!
PAUL
First of all, she’s not galavanting right now, she’s working in Redmond. Second of all, if I wanted to be with her, I would be. But I want to be with you. That is, when you’re not like this.
ALLISON
Well I am like this which means you don’t want to be with me, so you might as well be with her.
COR
Okay, we need to take a time out. I think we need to table this particular aspect of your separation for the time being. Let’s stick to making sure you don’t eat each other’s potato chips or cross the DMZ of your bed or inadvertently watch each other’s TV shows. Agreed?
(pause)
AGREED?
ALLISON
Fine.
PAUL
Okay.
COR
Good. Now it’s getting late and we need to get dinner. What do you guys want?
PAUL
Dick’s.
ALLISON
Schezuan Palace.
COR
Oy. You know I’m not going to go pick up dinner from two different places for you.
ALLISON
Please? I’m almost out of gas.
PAUL
And Doordash is so expensive, with the tip and all…
COR
So this is how you plan to make your separation work. By using your kid as your gopher.
ALLISON
That actually sounds like a good plan.
PAUL
Think of it this way… at least we’re not staying together for the sake of the kid.
ALLISON
It might make you feel better to know you’re making this trial separation easier for us to pull off.
COR
Thanks. I’ll sleep better tonight.
AFTERWORD
COR
Okay, so you heard it here just now, folx. The parents aren’t splitting up, as in divorce. At least not right now. They’re supposedly separating, if you can call it that. It sounds like the most codependent separation I could imagine. Meaning that they are each codependent on me. I just know this could end up creating a bunch of heavy lifting for me as far as keeping this household going. The one thing I won’t be stuck in the middle of and what I refuse to get caught up in is the whole dating thing. I’m not sure if either of them actually has the courage to see other people. I mean, I love my parents, but let’s face it, they’re a couple of broken weirdos. And mom and dad… if you’re listening, I meant what I said. Eh, who am I kidding? There’s as much chance of them listening to this show as Josh Gad listening to the show. Hey, I love Josh Gad! Say anything bad about him and I’ll fight you! Eh, no I won’t fight you, I’m a pacifist and I love our listeners! Thanks again for listening, I suppose we’ll see where it goes. Until next time…