Credits
Carl G. Brooks – Paul Ellis
Erin Lillis – Allison Baxter
Coral Baxter-Ellis – Tal Minear
Written by David S. Dear
Opening music “Coffee” by Cambo
Closing music “Life Illusion” by Ketsa
ALLISON
…and in this internet age you need to be extra careful out there, Coral. I watched this documentary the other day about people pretending to be other people on line just to try to, you know, lure them. Get them to buy them cars or send them traveler’s cheques or-
CORAL
What’s a traveler’s cheque?
ALLISON
It’s money you take with you when you travel abroad so you don’t risk having your whole life and identity stolen if you lose it in, say France, or Cameroon.
CORAL
Then why would they want you to send them traveler’s cheques?
ALLISON
I don’t know. They just do. Anyway, they use pictures of models, like models that work for Instagram and stuff then they go fishing for victims.
CORAL
Wait, are you talking about catfishing?
ALLISON
Yes! That’s the name of the documentary I watched.
CORAL
Okay, Mom… that’s not a documentary. It’s like an MTV thing.
ALLISON
No, I didn’t watch a video by the band Catfish. I’m telling you. This is a real thing and you need to be careful. Doesn’t she, Paul?
PAUL
Uh huh. Be careful out there.
ALLISON
I’m just worried about you, that’s all. If you’re out there looking for a boyfriend… or a girlfriend, I don’t want to be presumptuous here as you don’t choose sides, but I don’t want you to fall prey to someone on TikTok who’s pretending to be someone they’re not.
CORAL
Okay, there’s so many problems with that. That’s really insensitive to think being non-binary is about “choosing” my gender identity. Not to mention you’re conflating being enby with being ace. I’ve told you this…
ALLISON
Yes, I remember. You said you don’t care who you date-
CORAL
No, no… I don’t care to date at all. I don’t have any interest in hooking up with anyone so don’t worry about that. But what I really don’t have the energy for is to explain to you what TikTok is.
ALLISON
Okay, well, if you aren’t dating right now then I’ll keep my concern for your safety and welfare to myself. Apparently a mother can love too much.
CORAL
When you find one that does, will you point her out to me?
ALLISON
What was that?
CORAL
I… uh… I was just reminding you our votes are in.
ALLISON
Good. I can’t wait to get rid of those bidets and go back to good ol’ fashioned front-to-back. I’m sure you agree Paul.
PAUL
What was the vote on?
ALLISON
Didn’t you hear what I just said? The bath tissue thing.
PAUL
Bath tissue?
CORAL
She means toilet paper. She’s trying to sound fancy.
PAUL
Oh yeah.
ALLISON
So what did they say?
CORAL
They voted two-to-one that we should keep the bidets.
Groans and protests from ALLISON and PAUL
PAUL
I don’t like the bidet. I don’t care. I’m not going to use it.
CORAL
It just takes a bit of getting used to, that’s all.
PAUL
No. It feels like I’m being waterboarded. Now I know why waterboarding is a war crime.
ALLISON
Waterboarded? First of all, is it in the Geneva convention that lavaging a prisoner’s ass is considered torture? Maybe the way you’re doing it is totally upside-down. What I personally don’t like is that it doesn’t save on bath tissue. I’m completely drenched after using the bidet so I have to dry up with something.
CORAL
That’s why people keep a bidet towel nearby, just for that purpose.
ALLISON
Eww, really? That sounds gross. Plus I don’t think your father will want to put that on his face based on the way he uses the bidet.
PAUL
What are you talking about?
CORAL
But you should already be clean, so using a towel is no big deal, right? Unless you’re washing your butt the same way you wash your hands. I’ve watched both of you use the abracadabra method of washing your hands, you know. You turn on the water, wave your hands under it, and they’re magically clean.
ALLISON
(sighs)
Well, I suppose we agreed to this whole process, so I’ll keep working on getting the hang of it. And Paul will just have to learn not to breathe through his butt so it doesn’t feel like waterboarding to him.
PAUL
I promise.
CORAL
Oookaaayyy… I suppose in a twisted way this leads us to today’s topic. At least as far as I’m concerned.
ALLISON
Well you’re just the producer, remember? So your opinion doesn’t count in this one. Okay, here we go…
Hello, and welcome to Deconstructive Criticism, the show where we review all the things you do and don’t need in your life. I’m Allison…
(pause)
I’m Allison…
(pause)
Paul-
PAUL
Uh, yeah. And I’m Paul.
ALLISON
Nice of you to join us, Paul. So what are we going to review today?
PAUL
So today we’re reviewing Colin’s Sandwich Stop.
ALLISON
That’s right, Paul. As I understand it, there are Colin’s Sandwich Stop franchises cropping up in several states, but they’re still growing so there might not be a location where you live yet, listeners. But if you get one near you after listening to this episode, hopefully you’ll already know what to expect.
PAUL
Probably.
ALLISON
(beat)
Probably? Oh-kaaayyy… Anyway, so the deal with Colin’s Sandwich Stop is while most delis are all about the different meats and cold cuts and stuff these guys are all about breads. I mean they have all the standard meats, cheeses, veggies, and what not, but they have all these different breads like pumpernickel, marble rye, challah… gotta hollah about that challah!
(beat)
Nothing? Ha? Man, I thought you’d appreciate that.
CORAL
Yeah that was a total dad joke if I ever heard one. And you’re the father of all dad jokes, dad.
PAUL
(absently)
I like a good joke…
CORAL
No, I said a dad joke, not a good joke.
Silence
CORAL
Dad?
Silence
CORAL
Just keep going, Mom.
ALLISON
Okay, so anyway, they have onion dill, olive loaf, five different kinds of sourdough, even cinnamon raisin if you can imagine! Sounds disgusting to me to make a sandwich with cinnamon raisin but maybe someone digs it. What do you think, Paul?
PAUL
Someone digs it.
Pause
ALLISON
What’s going on with you today? You seem out of it. You want to do this later?
PAUL
No, no. I want to do this while it’s fresh in my mind.
ALLISON
Well whatever’s in your mind is past pull date. You’re barely here at all. You seem really checked out. Or something. Are you alright?
PAUL
Nothing. I mean, nothing’s up.
ALLISON
No, somethings up.
PAUL
No, it’s just… I don’t know. I don’t feel my best.
ALLISON
What, like you think you might be coming down with something?
PAUL
I don’t know. I’m really trying not to get sick.
ALLISON
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
PAUL
Yes, yes, you’re always using that Han Solo quote on me. You’re quoting Star Trek, not Wayne Dyer.
CORAL
Mom, don’t do that to him now if he’s not feeling well. He’s particularly gullible right now.
ALLISON
Alright, alright. So what do you think you’re coming down with? Swine flu? Ebola? COVID? You have COVID, don’t you? It’s mutated to COVID-20 now, you know.
PAUL
Why don’t you ever take me seriously when I say I might be getting sick?
ALLISON
I thought you were trying not to get sick.
PAUL
Yes, I’m trying not to, but I might be getting sick.
ALLISON
Then maybe we should postpone this.
CORAL
Dad, we can always do this later. Did you take your temperature?
PAUL
Yes, I did take my temperature, actually.
CORAL
With what? We haven’t had a thermometer since mom used it when she tried to make toffee.
ALLISON
Hey, the recipe said it needed to get to ‘soft crack’. And I’ll have you know I made sure it hadn’t been put in any of yours beforehand.
CORAL
Eww, Mom! Anyway, Dad, how did you take your temperature?
PAUL
With one of those Tempa-Dot strips.
CORAL
Oh, good. So did you have a fever?
PAUL
I don’t know. How many dots is a fever? I had twenty-three dots.
CORAL
Alright, let’s put this off. You need to lay down.
PAUL
No, let’s just keep rolling it. If I’m doing something normal it will take my mind off how I’m feeling then I’ll forget I’m not feeling so hot.
ALLISON
Umm… alright. Go ahead and tell the listeners what you thought of it, Paul.
PAUL
What I thought of what?
ALLISON
See? Coral’s right. We should just-
PAUL
No, no, no. We were um… we were talking about bread?
ALLISON
Well, kind of. We were talking about Colin’s.
PAUL
Right, right. Colin’s. They have a lot of bread options.
ALLISON
I already talked about that.
PAUL
Yeah, bread. They have a lot of bread options.
ALLISON
Coral…
CORAL
He says he wants to keep going so… we’re still rolling.
ALLISON
(sighs)
Fine.
Seems crazy to be offering so many bread options when people are so anti-bread these days.
PAUL
I know, right? With the kilo and Entire 30 and all that…
ALLISON
No, it’s keto and…
PAUL starts clearing his throat
ALLISON
Don’t be sensitive. I want to make sure listeners know what those diets are called.
PAUL
No, my throat feels all phlegmy.
CORAL
Did you try gargling with warm water with lemon juice and cayenne pepper?
PAUL
That’s that master class. I’m not going to do that.
ALLISON
You mean the master cleanse. And sweetheart, I don’t think that’s going to help your father if he’s not feeling well.
CORAL
If he ate at Colin’s Sandwich Stop, it certainly wouldn’t hurt.
PAUL
Yes it would hurt. Cayenne pepper hurts.
ALLISON
Never mind all that. Did you take anything once you started feeling cruddy?
PAUL
I started taking that stuff… you know, that fizzy vitamin C stuff you drop in a glass of water?
CORAL
You mean Airborne or Emergen-C or EBoost, one of those?
ALLISON
Did you start taking it before you started feeling sick or right when you started feeling sick?
PAUL
I started taking it this morning.
ALLISON
Because you weren’t feeling well.
PAUL
Yeah.
ALLISON
You’re supposed to take it before you get sick.
PAUL
I never understood that. How do you know if you’re about to get sick before you get sick when you don’t feel sick?
ALLISON
Well since it seems like you’re always about to get sick it might be a safe bet for you. Personally, I think you’re a bit of a hypochondriac. Don’t you think, Coral?
CORAL
Just the producer. Keep me out of it.
ALLISON
Well take your producer hat off and tell your father he’s a hypochondriac.
CORAL
I’m not going to do that, Mom.
PAUL
I’m not a hypochondriac. I actually get sick a lot. Hypochondriacs just think they get sick a lot.
ALLISON
Well then there’s never a window for you to take that Vitamin C stuff now, is there?
PAUL
It doesn’t matter cuz I don’t think that stuff works anyway. I think it’s just a seltzer tablet someone colored with an orange highlighter. You know what? I’m starting to think that it’s just a placebo.
ALLISON
If you keep telling yourself it’s a placebo you’re going to end up believing it, you know.
PAUL
Exactly.
ALLISON
Well, phlegm-boy, why don’t we put this off until later?
PAUL
No. I’m not sick. I want to talk about the sandwiches.
ALLISON
Okay, go ahead.
PAUL
Okay. Well I had the turkey on soda bread. It had turkey, lettuce, pickles, turkey, cheese, mayo, turkey, and… what else?
ALLISON
Turkey?
PAUL
Yes. Turkey. I knew I was forgetting the most important part.
ALLISON
And what did you think?
PAUL
I don’t know. It’s hard to remember that far back…
ALLISON
We ate there two nights ago.
PAUL
A lot has happened since then.
ALLISON
Yes. I did laundry, you washed the cars, and we watched Dancing With the Stars. Empires rose and fell in that time.
PAUL
Well it seems like a long time ago. Time goes slower when you’re sick.
ALLISON
You want me to wait for you to catch up to me then?
PAUL
If you wouldn’t mind?
ALLISON
I… um… okay. Continue.
PAUL
So what was I talking about? I guess I’m not caught up to you yet.
ALLISON
Turkey.
PAUL
That’s right, turkey. You know, I wonder if that’s what got me sick…
ALLISON
The turkey sandwich?
PAUL
I’d be willing to bet.
ALLISON
So you can’t really say you liked the sandwich? Or Colin’s Sandwich Stop?
PAUL
Oh I thought the sandwich was pretty good.
ALLISON
Really? But yet you think you got sick from it.
PAUL
You never know. Probably though.
ALLISON
Well. Okay then. So there you have it. A critique of Colin’s Sandwich Stop from a sick guy who may or may not be sick even though he’s been taking seltzer tablets colored with an orange highlighter. I don’t think I have anything to add to that.
PAUL starts clearing his throat again
ALLISON
So for Deconstructive Criticism-
PAUL
Remind me… am I supposed to gargle with lemon juice?
ALLISON
I’m Allison-
PAUL
Warm lemon juice. That’s it.
ALLISON
-and that’s Paul. Thanks for listening, everybody.
Paul tries to clear his throat
ALLISON
Is that it Coral? Did you get that? What’s usable anyway…
Do you mind? Are you trying to get the mic all phlegmy?
AFTERWORD
CORAL
So this really wasn’t far off the mark as things go around here. Dad does get sick more often than the rest of us. Is he a bit of a hypochondriac? I don’t know that I can say that. I will say he does have this kind of constant low grade anxiety, though he seems pretty upbeat most of the time. I think he just stuffs it down in there, afraid of looking like the bad guy or coming across as not being as optimistic as he presents himself to be, so I bet that’s what contributes to him getting sick.
Or maybe it’s an attempt to get Mom’s attention. If that’s the case, it doesn’t work. She really isn’t the doting wife type, definitely not the mothering type. I know that much for sure.
Well, with Dad under the weather, or seemingly under the weather we have nothing for you to vote on. Unless you want to vote on whether or not you think he’s really sick?
Nah, don’t do that. Hopefully we’ll have something for you next time. Until then, this is Deconstructive Criticism. Thanks for listening.
Deconstructive Criticism 