Sex vs. Sleep

Credits

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DECONSTRUCTED CRITICISM – SEX VS. SLEEP

PAUL

…so I said to Mr. Stevenson I said, ‘you should tell your wife to stop barking!’

ALLISON

Oh, that’s really good. That’s a really good one!

PAUL

I thought so.

ALLISON

But you mean that’s what you wish you’d thought of saying right after his comment.

PAUL

Well…

ALLISON

You didn’t actually say that, did you?

PAUL

I did not. But it would have been a salve-worthy burn had I said it.

ALLISON

Oh, absolutely! And I would have bought tickets to see it!

PAUL AND ALLISON

(simultaneously)

Those damn Stevensons!

The both laugh

CORAL

Are we done? Shall we?

ALLISON

Yep. I suppose we should start recording…

CORAL

Actually, I posted a voting poll and I would like to share the results.

ALLISON

Oh god. I can’t remember what we talked about last episode. What did we ask them to vote on?

PAUL

I remember. Take that, supposed short term memory loss! They were going to vote on which was better… alcohol or marijuana.

CORAL

Nope. I decided to go a different way. I asked the listers to tell us which of you sounded more ridiculous.

ALLISON

You didn’t!

CORAL

I absolutely did. Payback’s a female dog.

PAUL

Different episode. And Chad is a boy dog. In fact, Chad is a good boy.

ALLISON

I can’t believe you’d do that, Coral! You’re with me on this, aren’t you Paul?

PAUL

I can’t believe you actually posted the episode!

CORAL

I did. I also posted a poll on dcritpodcast.com and on Twitter. You want to know what the listeners said? Overwhelmingly?

PAUL

Drumroll please…

PAUL attempts the sound of a drumroll

ALLISON

That sounds more like a idling weed whacker.

PAUL

Or maybe a… motorboat?

ALLISON

(giggles)

Paul, don’t start.

CORAL

So you both need to hear this. The listeners overwhelmingly said you both sounded ridiculous.

ALLISON

Well, I can’t really argue with that. Though you probably didn’t sound as bad as I did, Paul.

PAUL

No, no, Allison. I’m sure I sounded like a kindergarten philosopher. You probably sounded much more relatable and free spirited.

CORAL

Um… you guys aren’t under the influence now, are you?

PAUL

Not at all. Why do you ask?

ALLISON

Yeah, it’s going to be quite awhile before I drink that much again. Me and the next morning did not get along at all.

CORAL

Well, because you are being nice and complementary to each other. You’ll understand if I’m a bit suspicious…

ALLISON

Your father and I can be nice to each other, can’t we, Paulie?

PAUL

Absolutely. To each other, with each other, et cetera…

CORAL

Okay then, let’s get started then. Have you already decided what the topic is for today?

PAUL

So want to tell them what we’re going to review today?

ALLISON

(giggles)

Well…

PAUL

I know…

(giggles)

ALLISON

Oh geez… I don’t know if I’m ready to do this one cuz I keep thinking about-

PAUL

Me too! That was so much fun!

ALLISON

(giggles again)

PAUL

Stop! I’m going to get all flustered!

ALLISON

It’s your fault! For some reason you always want to get it on whenever we stay at my parents’ house.

CORAL

Um, wait a minute, I hope you’re not talking about-

PAUL

Maybe because it feels like we’re on vacation?

ALLISON

Yeah but don’t you think it’s a little weird? It always feels weird to me… you know… with my parents in the next room.

PAUL

I told you I would be quiet and I was.

ALLISON

You’re always quiet. Which is a little weird in and of itself.

CORAL

Okay, I’m going to jump in here and suggest you formally abandon this topic and go right into the review.

Brief silence

ALLISON

Wait, are we rolling it yet?

PAUL

Heh, heh…

ALLISON

If you are then yeah, we need to start over. Let’s do it over again.

PAUL

(chuckles)

That’s what you said at your parents’…

ALLISON

(laughs)

Yeah… that was great!

CORAL

Excuse me-

ALLISON

Maybe cuz it had been awhile? Like a long, long while?

PAUL

It had been awhile.

ALLISON

A really long while. I mean, I can’t remember when we last-

CORAL

HEY! Do you mind?!

PAUL

Alright, alright. Let’s get back to the show. Ready?

ALLISON

Ready.

PAUL

Okay. So, today we’re going to review something a little odd-

ALLISON

We’re reviewing the Best Pillow!

PAUL

Yep! And listeners, we have to say, this pillow really earns its name!

ALLISON

It really does! So I know what y’all are thinking, it’s a pillow, what’s the big deal?

PAUL

That’s what I thought until we used them at your folks’ house.

ALLISON

Yeah. Man, I was really surprised. It was really nice.

PAUL

Heh. It sure was…

CORAL

(clears throat loudly)

ALLISON

Hey, hey… come on, Paul. Stop.

PAUL

I just keep thinking about-

ALLISON

I know what you keep thinking about.

CORAL

If you two are going to keep this up, I’m out. I don’t want to hear this.

PAUL

You know what? Let’s record this later. I have an idea…

ALLISON

Let me guess…

PAUL

Yes. Let’s go. Let’s do some human boomin’!

ALLISON

‘Human boomin’? Really?

PAUL

Yeah!

ALLISON

’Human boomin’.

PAUL

Let‘s do it. Come on, let’s go.

ALLISON

So what do I get out of it?

PAUL

What do you mean what do you get out of it? You get all this!

ALLISON

Maybe not all. I don’t want the feet. Or the knees.

CORAL

Okay, that’ it. I’m out-

ALLISON

Hold on, Coral. Don’t stop-

PAUL

That’s what you said when-

ALLISON

Paul. Enough. Sorry Coral, we’ll behave. We promise. Don’t we, Paul?

PAUL

We do. Our apologies.

CORAL

I’m just asking you two to keep it together long enough to do this episode. Then when we’re done you can… *shudder* go do your booming with your human.

PAUL

(exhales slowly)

Alright. So, the pillow…

ALLISON

Yes, the Best Pillow. Man, I can’t remember the last time I had such a good night sleep. It was so comfy, super soft and really supportive. It didn’t feel like my head was resting on anything at all.

PAUL

I felt like Doug Henning was levitating my head or something. It felt like it was floating on air. There was absolutely no pressure on my neck-

ALLISON

Doug Henning?

PAUL

Yeah. Didn’t he levitate things, Doug Henning?

ALLISON

I don‘t remember. Doug Henning was a long time ago. He’s dead now, isn’t he?

PAUL

Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s in stable condition.

ALLISON

He’s not in stable condition if he’s dead.

PAUL

Actually if you think about it he is in stable condition. What condition is more stable than being dead?

ALLISON

Hmm… well, I suppose…

CORAL

Okay, now that we’ve cleared up the state of the late Doug Henning’s condition, whoever that is, back to your review of the Best Pillow.

ALLISON

Hold on. First of all, I never understood that saying, “the late so-and-so”. What’s he late for? Why’s he “late” just because he’s dead?

PAUL

Actually he would be a no-show for everything if you think about it.

ALLISON

That’s right. Second, technically he’s not in stable condition as he is decomposing. Nothing is less stable than when it’s approaching entropy, which Doug certainly is at this point.

PAUL

Wow, you couldn’t leave my little joke alone, could you?

CORAL

The two of you today… you can’t seem to keep it together. It’s almost as bad as when you did the episode wasted. Almost, but not quite. I will never get that time back. So as interesting as this whole dead Doug thing is, let’s get back to the Best Pillow, shall we?

ALLISON

Yeah we need to get back to talking about the pillow.

PAUL

Yes, the pillow. As I was saying, it’s light but firm enough. Definitely soft and padded just the right amount…

I’m sorry, now I’m thinking about that tasty night again! Come on, let’s do this later. Let’s make the frog with two backs.

CORAL

(off mic)

Oy…

Sound of headphones being set down

ALLISON

No, no… The beast-

PAUL

What beast? What are you talking about?

ALLISON

The beast with two backs.

PAUL

The beast with two backs? What did I say?

ALLISON

You said frog. You said the frog with two backs.

PAUL

Oh. Okay, beast. I stand corrected. Let’s make a double-backed beast then. It’s the least you could do for me after I went with you to that stupid chick flick… What was it called?

ALLISON

Friendship Cake.

PAUL

Yes, that one. How droll. At the end when the cake falls off the boat into the lake and they all watch it sink to the bottom. And then the whole thing with the diabetic girl with the frosting all over her mouth then all the girls start laughing. Please.

ALLISON

That doesn’t count because the week before you made me sit through Death Device, then Colonel Hush Puppy’s Revenge. On the same day.

PAUL

I suppose I did.

(pause)

Well it looks like my hand has been forced. Time to pull out the big guns.

ALLISON

Okay cowboy… Whatcha got?

PAUL

When we stayed at your folks and your mom was prepping for her colonoscopy? Your dad was at the casino all night and you’d gone out with your friends from college… just me and your mom all by ourselves at their house. Need I say more?

ALLISON

Ooh yeah. I do owe you for that one. So what if I promise right after we finish this episode you can become the beast master?

PAUL

Alright then. You got yourself a deal.

ALLISON

Then let’s proceed. Sorry Coral, I know you don’t like to listen to-

(pause)

Coral?

PAUL

Where are they? Did they leave?

ALLISON

Oh boy. I think we pissed her- uh, them off. Well I feel bad now.

PAUL

Yeah. I guess we got a little carried away.

ALLISON

I’ll go get them. I’ll apologize and-

PAUL

Actually, hold on…

PAUL sets down the headphones and there is a pause

(off mic)

It’s still recording…

PAUL picks up his headphones again

They left it recording. So how about we go ahead and finish out the episode? That way we don’t have to bother them with any of our hot talk.

ALLISON

Hot talk? Is that what you call it?

PAUL

I don’t know… what do you call it?

ALLISON

I call it a distraction from getting this episode recorded.

PAUL

Okay, okay. Let’s focus. Here we go. So… the Best Pillow.

ALLISON

The Best Pillow. So I don’t know what the secret to this pillow is. I think they use some proprietary formula for the filling. Apparently you can get different thicknesses depending on your preference. We ordered two different thicknesses for each of us so I suppose we’ll see which we like best once we get them.

PAUL

I also like how it stays cool. You know how some pillows can retain a lot of heat? This one doesn’t do that at all. You don’t have to keep flipping the pillow. It stays cool throughout the whole night. Which is good… cuz as hot as you were…

ALLISON

Go ahead and flip your pillow cuz you need to cool down there, sparky.

PAUL

I’m sorry… I can’t get it out of my mind! Man, that was the best night we’ve had in a long time! Well, barring your mom’s prep.

ALLISON

It really was. We reconnected in a totally hot and passionate way like we haven’t in a long, long, long, long time, and we both slept better than we have in I can’t remember when.

Pause

ALLISON

You think maybe the pillows aren’t the reason we slept so well?

PAUL

(overlapping a bit)

It might not have been the pillows.

Pause

ALLISON

Okay, how about we have Coral save this recording for when the pillows come and if they’re any good we can still use it?

PAUL

Our energy has been pretty good in this one, I have to say.

ALLISON

Well you are pretty amped up right now…

(beat)

I tell you what. You’ve got twelve minutes.

PAUL

A whole twelve minutes?

ALLISON

And not a minute more. Can you handle that?

PAUL

The question is, can you handle this?

AFTERWORD

CORAL

And it went on like this for awhile. If I hadn’t have left I could have stopped the recording sooner but then I would have had to sit through all that.

But here’s the thing… you know what bothers me the most? Is that it bothered me. I mean yeah I don’t like hearing my parents talk about sex, but who does? And it’s not about me being ace either. It’s that they were so happy, so connected. I can’t remember the last time they not only got along but were actually enjoying each other, having fun without it being at the other’s expense. And I got pissy about it. I didn’t like having to hear all that so I got pissy and bailed on them. If I couldn’t appreciate one of the rare times they did connect because it made me uncomfortable, how can I possibly help them?

Well, I guess we’ll see how long this will last. I’m hopeful but not optimistic. We’ll find out next time, I suppose. I’ll see you then. Thanks for listening, everybody.