M&Ms vs. I-Teeth

Credits

Erin Lillis – Allison Baxter
Carl G. Brooks – Paul Ellis
Coral Baxter-Ellis – Tal Minear

Written by David S. Dear
Opening music “Coffee” by Cambo
Closing music “Life Illusion” by Ketsa


DECONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM – M&MS VS. I-TEETH

ALLISON

Fat-free! Do you know what fat-free means? It means it is free of fat! What is so hard about that!

PAUL

I’m sorry, the containers look the same to me!

CORAL

I just started recording. Sooooo… what’s your topic today?

ALLISON

That’s why you read the container! It says right on there “Fat Free”!

PAUL

Correction: it actually says “non-fat”.

ALLISON

Don’t even, Paul! You know it’s the same thing! You can’t bother to read the label so now instead of fat free I have fat ass yogurt.

PAUL

Yeah, I’m not touching that one.

ALLISON

Oh you got that right, buddy!

CORAL

AHEM! We have a show to do! Do you have a topic decided yet?

ALLISON

Unfortunately, yes. Your father wants to talk about that stupid movie we saw.

CORAL

Wait, you went to the movies? I thought we were going to let the listeners decide what your date was going to be?

ALLISON

We would have, but your father wanted us to see that stupid movie.

PAUL

I’ll bet it doesn’t matter as I’m sure they voted for us to go see a movie anyway.

CORAL

No, they voted for you two to go play paintball.

ALLISON

Oh really? Actually I’m totally good with that. Didn’t you say those paintballs hurt?

CORAL

From what I understand, they can sting.

ALLISON

Oh, can they? And we’ll be on opposite teams, right?

CORAL

Well…

PAUL

Uh-oh…

ALLISON

I have a feeling I’m going to go through a lot of ammo. I’ll have to load up on extra ammo…

PAUL

Um… hey, wow, time’s really flying by! We’d better get started on this episode! Ready, Allison?

(beat)

Ally?

CORAL

Um, just go ahead and start, Dad.

PAUL

Hey everybody, I’m Paul-

ALLISON

-and I’m Allison-

PAUL

And this is Deconstructive Criticism.

ALLISON

The show where we review things we need, and things we can frankly do without.

PAUL

Yeah I’m really excited about this one, babe. Today we are going to critique… say it with me:

PAUL AND ALLISON

(together, PAUL enthusiastically, ALLISON deadpanned)

Alien Trucker Monkey.

PAUL

Um, let’s do that again. You sound like you just woke up from a nap the way you said it.

ALLISON

What? I said it. What do you want?

PAUL

Say it with enthusiasm. Like you mean it. Like you’re excited to do this.

ALLISON

You mean like:

(way over the top)

Alien Trucker Monkey!

PAUL

No… okay, when I cue you. We’re supposed to say it together. And not so extra this time?

ALLISON

Well I’m not excited about it. It was a stupid movie with a stupid premise and personally I’d rather not do it. Let’s pick something else.

PAUL

No, we agreed to do this one, remember? We decided when it came out we were like, that sounds so bad we have to see it, then we’ll review it for the podcast. Didn’t we, Coral?

CORAL

You guys… you know the rules. Don’t bring me into it unless it’s technical. I’m just the producer. The topics are totally up to you.

PAUL

Yes, but don’t you remember your mom and me deciding we’d critique the movie before we saw it?

CORAL

Do I need to go over the rules with you again? Just the producer.

ALLISON

No, it’s fine. I’ll be glad to give my assessment of the movie. It was really really stupid. Okay, there you go. Are we done now?

PAUL

Come on, Allison. Work with me here. If you really hated it, then let’s talk about that. That’s what this show’s for. That’s what we do. Let’s start over. Coral, can we take it from the top?

CORAL

No. Keep rolling.

ALLISON

Let’s get this over with. I don’t want to waste any more time on this. She’ll fix it in the post.

PAUL

In post. They can fix it in post. Not in the post. Alright well since we’re still rolling, here we go.

So we’re watching tv and the preview comes out for this movie and they’re like “Alien Trucker Monkey” and we’re all “This is going to be like Sharknado, it’s going to be so bad it’ll be great!” So we decided to critique it before we even saw it.

ALLISON

Oh my god. I don’t get any of that time back. I would give my I-teeth to get that hour and a half of my life back.

PAUL

What are your I-teeth?

ALLISON

I teeth… you know, incisors?

PAUL

I’ve never heard them called that. Are you trying to be hip or something?

ALLISON

Oh yeah, using the term ‘I-teeth’ is really hip with the cool kids these days.

PAUL

Coral, do you say that? I-teeth?

CORAL

No. Never heard that. Then again I’m as far from hip as you can get.

PAUL

You come up with some weird things, Allison. I-teeth. S-M-H. So do you like chew your food with your M-teeth?

ALLISON

M-teeth? What is that? Oh, molars. M-teeth. So clever.

PAUL

About as clever as I-teeth.

ALLISON

I’m not trying to be clever. That’s what they’re referred to as, I-teeth!

PAUL

Well let’s forget the I-teeth. You still have yours and you gave up an hour and a half of your time. Since that time is spent, we might as well talk about the movie. So what didn’t you like about it?

ALLISON

Okay. First of all, I didn’t want to go see it. That whole ‘Let’s go see this movie then critique it’ was your idea. There was no discussion there.

PAUL

I could have sworn we-

ALLISON

And you dragged me to this stupid movie, bought yourself popcorn and a pop, didn’t even get me anything, then offered me some of yours about fifteen minutes into the movie which by then was mostly ice and backwash. Lovely. So needless to say I had a great time.

PAUL

(after a pause)

I thought you wanted to see the movie.

ALLISON

That’s not the point-

PAUL

Wait, what’s the point, then? Am I missing something? Coral?

CORAL

Uh, yeah Mom. What is your point? You know that’s what this podcast is all about, right? Like Dad said, you each make your points about what you did and didn’t like about the movie and you talk about them here. Although I’m not sure what the listeners would vote on…

ALLISON

You know what? Fine. Let’s do the movie. Go ahead, Paul. What did you think of it?

PAUL

Uh… I uh…

(clears throat)

Well I liked it, Allison. I thought it was great campy fun. I mean, who thinks of these things? An alien takes control of a monkey’s body and steals a big rig then drives all over the country eating people. I mean, come on!

ALLISON

Okay, first of all it was a bonobo. Bonobos are apes, not monkeys. I hate it when people refer to apes as monkeys.

PAUL

I thought it was a chimp, but whatever.

ALLISON

Common mistake. Though they’re also referred to as pygmy chimpanzees they’re technically not chimps.

CORAL

So what’s the difference between a chimp and an ape?

ALLISON

There’s no difference. Chimps are apes.

CORAL

Oh, but since bonobos are apes, then aren’t bonobos chimps?

PAUL

I would guess so, since apes are chimps-

ALLISON

No, you have it backwards. All chimps are apes, but not all apes are chimps.

CORAL

Then what’s the difference between bonobos and apes?

ALLISON

No, no… bonobos and chimps are both great apes but bonobos are not chimps and chimps are not bonobos. Two different species.

PAUL

That’s why a monkey didn’t get the part, I guess. Cuz it’s a not-so-great ape!

CORAL

Good one, Dad!

ALLISON

Monkeys aren’t apes, so that joke doesn’t even make sense!

PAUL

Whatever, Jane Seymour…

ALLISON

It’s Jane Goodall, you putz. Not Dr. Quinn, Veterinarian Woman.

CORAL

And the director’s like, “That is a great ape! You got the part!”

PAUL

Because he’s got range. He’s an ape but he can play a monkey!

CORAL

And it’s not like there’s any real difference anyway!

PAUL

Right? Chimpanzee, bonobo. Potato, patoto.

ALLISON

You know, I wished you’d taken Coral to see the movie instead, since neither of you are bothered by the fact that monkeys and apes aren’t even in the same family, yet they still refer to a bonobo as a monkey!

PAUL

Are you even in the same family as us? Maybe you’re in the mo-

(catches himself)

ALLISON

What? What was that?

PAUL

Never mind.

ALLISON

No, go ahead. What were you going to say?

PAUL

No, it’s… I wasn’t going to…

(beat)

What I was going to say is there were laughs from the jump with this movie! When the alien tries to coax the monkey- the er, chimp- er, the bonobo over to it with a hammer first, then the monkey shakes his head, then it offers a shoe and he shakes his head, then it offers a banana and the monkey grins and takes it… that was so stupid! I was dying!

ALLISON

Yeah that was an absolute riot but what happened before that?

PAUL

Before the banana bit? I don’t know… the alien just showed up.

ALLISON

But how? From where?

PAUL

I don’t remember…

ALLISON

Yeah you don’t “remember” because by the time we got in there the movie had already started. It was about five minutes into the movie when we sat down.

PAUL

Hey, you know I have to have my snacks! It took longer than I expected to get snacks-

ALLISON

Okay, let’s talk about that, Paul! What took so long getting snacks?

(imitating PAUL)

“I don’t know… which candy do you think I should get?”

PAUL

(sheepishly, knowing where she’s going)

They do have a lot of candy options…

ALLISON

“Me too! I love M&Ms!” They’re freaking M&Ms, Paul!

PAUL

Who doesn’t love M&Ms…

ALLISON

You were making an ass out of yourself. Trying to be all cute with the snack counter girl. So stupid. She was probably Coral’s age. You should be embarrassed.

PAUL

She’s twenty-four, I think.

ALLISON

Yes, I know she’s twenty-four! Why do you think I said-

PAUL

No, the candy girl. I’m guessing the candy girl’s twenty-four. Wait, you think Coral is twenty-four?

ALLISON

Well, no… of course I know they’re not twenty-four…

PAUL

You think Coral’s twenty-four… no, you don’t even know how old your own child is!

ALLISON

I know how old Coral is!

PAUL

Yeah? How old is she?

CORAL

You don’t know how old I am, Mom?

ALLISON

I know how old you are, Coral. Remember, I’m the one who gave birth to you.

CORAL

And how many years ago did you give birth to me?

ALLISON

(beat)

Less than twenty years ago.

CORAL

I’m sixteen. Sixteen, Mom.

ALLISON

I know! I gave birth to you sixteen years ago. Sixteen is less than twenty. You know what? You’re father is trying to change the subject instead of admitting he was flirting with a twenty-four year old… and how do you know she’s twenty-four?

PAUL

It was her birthday. I heard her talking to the other cashier who asked how old she turned. And you know what? She was sad that she had to work on her birthday and I was trying to cheer her up. So sorry I was trying to bring a smile to a young lady’s face.

Sound of standing up, mic bump, setting down cans

ALLISON

You know what? I’m done. The movie sucked. There’s your episode.

Pause

PAUL

We can fix all that in the post, right?

AFTERWORD

CORAL

Oh my gods. Okay, so that was gross. Well, maybe. I mean, I guess if Dad was like really flirting with the snack counter girl? I don’t think he was hitting on her but I don’t know. I can see why Mom would be mad about it. But who knows if she just thought he was? But she was not in a good mood today. Maybe cuz of that? Or maybe cuz he made her go to that movie? Or maybe she hates monkeys, I don’t know.

It’s not like he’s cheating on her. I don’t think he’s cheating on her. But flirting with some college girl? Do snack counter girls go to college? She was twenty-four, right, so that’s college age, right? But I’ve heard women say “Your dad is so charming!” so maybe he’s just, you know, keeping his skills sharp? In case… *sigh* I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want to think about Dad out there anyway. Cuz… gross.

So that wraps up this episode. We’ll see if things cool down in a couple of weeks. Until then, see you all later.

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