Drunk vs. Stoned

Credits

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DECONSTRUCTED CRITICISM – DRUNK VS. STONED

CORAL

Well, I’m just going to start rolling since Mom and Dad aren’t here. Maybe I’ll just share the results of the votes since it’s pretty much status quo at this point. Overwhelmingly you said-

ALLISON

Is he in here? Where is he?

CORAL

I don’t know where he is. I’ve been waiting for you guys. I decided to get started. I was going to share the voting results.

ALLISON

Everyone knows Biden won.

CORAL

No… the votes on whether or not you get to keep the cat.

PAUL

I’m here. Totally here now. In the here and now.

ALLISON

Coral was just going to tell me to get the cat.

PAUL

You know what, you don’t ‘get’ the cat. You’d have to be a cat to really get it.

CORAL

I said we were going to see if you get to keep the cat. Or the dog.

ALLISON and PAUL are fumbling and muttering

CORAL

Are you guys listening?

(pause)

Okay, so we had ninty percent of the voters said we should keep them both. Yay.

PAUL

It’s a conspiracy. Somebody call Mulder.

CORAL

I thought you’d be excited that you get to keep the dog. And mom’s not even paying attention. Okay, let’s just get on with this. I was expecting way more of a reaction. Shall we start the show.

PAUL hums the X-Files theme music

CORAL

Okay you guys, we’re rolling.

Pause

CORAL

Guys, we’re ready. I’ve started recording.

Sound of ALLISON fumbling as she sits down. ALLISON is a bit tipsy, slurring her words, while PAUL is a bit baked, speaking slowly and absently

ALLISON

Okay, I’m ready. Paulie, come sit with me.

PAUL

Wait, you want me to sit on your lap?

ALLISON

Hey, that’s a good idea! Come sit on my lap!

CORAL

No, no that’s not going to work. I mean, that’s sweet and all… though a bit odd and out of character for you two… but no, you need to use your own mics.

ALLISON

You’re a buzzkill, you know that?

PAUL

Oh no, did they kill your buzz?

ALLISON

Well I guess we’ll see, won’t we?

CORAL

What is going on with you two? Mom, have you been drinking?

ALLISON

Of course! How else am I supposed to do this show?

CORAL

Maybe sober, like you usually do?

PAUL

Heh… she don’t know. Yeah, so I don’t know if you remember… the episode is about beer.

CORAL

You were going to do an episode on beer?

PAUL

Versus wine.

CORAL

Beer versus wine.

ALLISON

I keep convincing your father to drink some wine. He needs to drink some wine. But he doesn’t like wine so he drinks beer.

CORAL

Oh great. This will be great. You guys are going to do the show drunk.

ALLISON

No, no, no Coral… your dad’s not drunk.

PAUL

Heh heh… I’m not drunk. No.

CORAL

Well, at least one of you is sober.

ALLISON

Paul’s cussing carbs… cussing… cutting. He’s cutting carbs so he won’t drink beer. That’s why. Cuz he won’t go to the gym.

PAUL

So it just so happens I can just chill without having to drink.

CORAL

Wait…

PAUL

I got me a little THC to find my chi…

CORAL

Oh gods.

ALLISON

So he’s gonna sound pretty stupid cuz that’s stupid.

CORAL

So what’s this brilliant plan here? Listeners get to vote on wine versus weed?

ALLISON

Yep. We tell everybody which is better, we make our case and then you vote. And I make the case that wine is better cuz you can drink it.

CORAL

I can see how well this is going to go already.

ALLISON

And when you drink it you get a nice whooshy ahh all over your body cuz it’s warm and wooshy and you can relax. Plus it’s really tasty. You can smell it and it smells so good. Okay so look at how it smells. Hold this, Paul

CORAL

No no no no! No drinking wine in the-

PAUL

She’s already drunk, Coral, so-

CORAL

No, remember the rules! You can’t drink or eat around the equipment!

PAUL

Wait, what?

CORAL

Or smoke, for that matter.

PAUL

Uh oh… that’s not good. I could really use a snack.

CORAL

No. No wine. No snacks. Let’s just get through this. Which I can see is going to be a challenge…

PAUL

Do we have any of those parm crisps? Those sound really good right now.

ALLISON

Ugh. I hate parm. It’s so stupid.

CORAL

Good god. I see I’m going to have to babysit you two today.

ALLISON

Oh, that’s a good idea! Paul, we should get a babysitter and go out on a date to like the movies or maybe the waterslides! Let’s go to the waterslides.

PAUL

No, Ally… Coral doesn’t need a babysitter-

CORAL

Thank you, Dad.

PAUL

Cuz they’re coming with us.

CORAL

Um…

ALLISON

But she can’t come with us. We don’t have a carseat. Remember when she got too big and we sold it?

PAUL

Yeah. I made forty bucks. That was a good day.

ALLISON

And we don’t have one of those “Baby on Board” things…

PAUL

Oh yeah.

CORAL

You guys, you realize…

Ah, never mind.

PAUL

But here’s the thing… when it’s time to take the Baby on Board sign down, it’s too late.

ALLISON/CORAL

What?

PAUL

See, cuz when you go ‘Oh, they’re not a baby anymore, it’s time to take it down’, they weren’t a baby anymore for awhile. So you still had the sign up past the time they were a baby.

You know what we should do? We should have another baby then let’s try to time it just right so we can take the sign down right at the moment they’re no longer a baby.

ALLISON

Then we can take it to the waterslides!

CORAL

Oh this is so much fun. Guys, I know this is a big ask, but can we at least try to stay on task?

PAUL

Absolutely.

(pause)

What were we talking about?

CORAL

Which is better, wine or weed?

PAUL

That’s a great question, Coral. Clearly it’s better being baked-

ALLISON

(messing it up)

Better being baked. Better being baked. Better being baked.

PAUL

And as you can see Allison agrees-

ALLISON

I do not agree! I just like that it rhymes. Better being baked.

PAUL

Anyway, getting baked is better than getting drunk cuz you don’t have to worry about calories or carbs. There’s nothing to spill. Except maybe bong water, which is pretty gross. But I didn’t use a bong, so that’s not going to be a problem.

(beat)

Kids, don’t drink bong water.

ALLISON

That’s so gross.

PAUL

I bet Jesus can turn bong water into bong wine.

CORAL

Mom. Can you rebut dad’s brilliant point for the sake of moving this along?

ALLISON

(giggles)

She said rebut.

PAUL

You are going to rebut my butt.

CORAL

Do either of you have a butter knife so I can just kill myself now?

PAUL

I just realized… there’s butt in butter!

ALLISON

(cracking up)

Who’s butt’s in the butter?

CORAL

That’s it… I’m calling it-

ALLISON

No, no, no Coral. We’ll be good. We promise.

PAUL

Yeah, me too. I’m part of the movement now.

ALLISON

Okay, okay, okay. Alright. My turn. So let me tell you why wine is better. Why should you drink it? You should drink it cuz you don’t have to smoke it. And it tastes really good. And you feel really good. And it makes your husband look kind of sexy.

PAUL

You only think I’m sexy when you’re drunk. That’s actually really really sweet.

ALLISON

Well… it’s more like you’re not unsexy when I’m drunk. So you got that going.

CORAL

Wow, I’d say that’s win-win but it’s more like not-lose-not-lose…

ALLISON

Um, what else? You can buy wine at Safeway. You can’t buy weed at Safeway. Wait… can you buy weed at Safeway?

PAUL

You can buy stuff with CBD in it. But not at Safeway. I think you can buy it at the food co-op. I think they have those parm crisps at the food co-op too. I’m going to get some parm crisps next time I’m there. OMG they are soooo good.

ALLISON

(whispers, attempting to sound endearing)

You’re a parm crisp.

PAUL

Hey! You just said you hate parm crisps and that you think they’re stupid.

ALLISON

Aww, but I like you, Paul. You’re my stupid, sexy little parm crisp.

CORAL

Okay, I think we can move on from the parm crisps.

ALLISON

Yeah. So see, that’s another good thing about wine. It makes me like my husband more.

CORAL

Wow. What do you have to say to that, Dad?

PAUL

Hey, if that’s what it takes for your mom to be a bit nicer to me, I’ll be her little parm crisp. Speaking of-

CORAL

NO, DAD! No more talk of parm crisps!

PAUL

Alright, alright. I get it. There are plenty other snacks I can-

CORAL

Enough with the snacks! It’s not at all on topic.

PAUL

So what would be on topic?

CORAL

I don’t know… why pot is better than alcohol or vice versa, the benefits of one over the other, that kind of stuff?

PAUL

Great.

(pause)

And what’s the topic again?

CORAL

It’s… just go. Talk about pot.

PAUL

Pot topic is a hot topic. Heh. Okay. I got one. If you spill your weed-

CORAL

Nope. Already talked about the whole spilling thing. Don’t need to revisit that.

PAUL

Ah yes. Okay. Well there’s no hangover. I mean, you might be tired the next day, but that’s okay. No headaches, no bloodshot eyes-

ALLISON

Your eyes are totally bloodshot right now!

PAUL

How do you know that’s not cuz I’ve been crying?

ALLISON

Aww… have you been crying?

PAUL

Well, no.

ALLISON

Oh. It was going to make me sad but now it’s not.

CORAL

Mom, your rebut- er, your counterpoint?

ALLISON

She said rebut-

PAUL

*They* said rebut.

(chuckles)

Rebut…! That’s when you redo your butt!

ALLISON

I wish I could redo my butt.

PAUL

Aw, Ally… your butt is-

CORAL

Let me stop you there, Dad. Mom, you need to reply to Dad’s comment about hangovers.

ALLISON

Yes I do. So you want to know something, Paul? They don’t care about alcohol when you do a drug test.

CORAL

That’s… surprisingly astute. Surprisingly.

ALLISON

They’re only like “Ooh, they smoke pot! Ooh, they do Quaaludes! Ooh, they like meth!”

CORAL

What’s a Quaalude?

ALLISON

But nobody says anything about poor li’l ol’ alcohol! They don’t care if you like to have a little wine with friends!

PAUL

I thought you didn’t like that show.

CORAL

So Mom, are you saying you think they should drug test for alcohol as well as all other drugs?

ALLISON

No. Absolutely not.

CORAL

Okay. We were doing so well there for a bit.

PAUL

What your mom is saying is that wine is like the Stevensons. They drive a Kia, not like the original Kia, but like the nicer luxury Kias they have now. And pot is like driving a 1997 Honda Accord. And meth is like driving a Chevy Cutlass that is missing a door and is on blocks.

CORAL

Whuuu…?

PAUL

Isn’t that right, Ally?

ALLISON

Maybe. But you drive a Toyota Echo.

CORAL

It might be pointless for me to ask this, but how does this relate to drug testing?

PAUL

Because…. the drugs are like those cars! Duh!

CORAL

Oookkkaaayyyyy… I think this is about as far as we’re going to get with this episode.

PAUL

Oh no… are you ending the episode already? We just got started.

ALLISON

That’s fine by me. I’m ready to go home.

CORAL

No, Mom, you’re already…

(sigh)

Dad, you want to say anything to wrap this up? About getting high versus getting drunk?

PAUL

Yes, yes I would. See, I’m kind of high right now. I personally prefer it to getting drunk. It doesn’t taste as good as beer, but you know, carbs and all. Carbs can cause bloat… which incidentally rhymes with float. I wonder if bloat makes you float. That’s probably the reason they rhyme because they are so integrally connected, with the floating and the bloating. Whoever came up with that-

CORAL

Okay, Dad. I think that should do it. Not sure how much more can be said on that.

PAUL

I know. The brilliance speaks for itself.

CORAL

Mom, you want to add anything to support your point?

ALLISON

No. Nope. Uh-uh.

CORAL

Don’t you want to say why-

ALLISON

(gets increasingly maudlin and weepy as she talks)

Because there’s no point. Your father is off carbs now and I’m trying to find something for him to eat but he won’t eat potatoes anymore and I love potatoes. Do you know how much I love potatoes? I love potatoes soooo much and your father don’t love potatoes anymore!

PAUL

There there, Ally. I still love potatoes. I just can’t eat them.

ALLISON

Do you still love potatoes as much as you still love me?

PAUL

Of course! You’re my little potato!

AFTERWORD

CORAL

I had to cut it off there. It totally fell apart at that point. My mom cried about potatoes, which somehow turned into crying about the bank being closed on Sunday afternoon. This went on for twenty minutes, and you really don’t need to hear all that.

This is another bittersweet moment in their marriage where they actually get along really well. When they’re buzzed. Why do they have to be under the influence just to keep from arguing and bickering? Turning them into potheads or alcoholics just to save their marriage is obviously a really bad idea. They’d probably figure out how to fight while wasted anyway, I’m sure that would be inevitable if they did partake more often.

So I know their idea for this episode was to debate wine versus weed but since I’m the producer I’m taking this another way. I want you to vote on who sounded more ridiculous, the drunk one or the stoned one. I’m not about doing either of these things so I personally don’t want to encourage it by voting on which is better. I mean, if you like to drink or smoke, I’m not one to judge. But when it comes to my parents, I don’t mind being a little bit judgy. So you can vote for who sounded more ridiculous at dcritpodcast.com. That’s the letter “d”, crit, podcast.com. Thanks everybody. Bye.